Should Have

It's not fair. I know it's not. People should only get so many do-overs in their lifetime. I've taken advantage of your illness, and I am apologetic every second for that.

You hit your head a bit harder than a few doctors wanted to reveal. The accident stole your memory of me, which at the time was not very fond. I was unhappy with that.

When I answered the phone and was given the news of your injury, I was at first devastated. I knew not the severity yet. I knew not the benefits yet.

I gave you all of the love letters I had written to you. I convinced this new version of you that in your past life you had loved me so. The letters were evidence of my side, I had not evidence of your side other than the fact that you had a few journal entries of me. All of which were positive, because that's how you used to be.

I told you how much you used to "love me", and you guiltily followed, albeit hesitantly. I could tell love was not in your heart, but you had wanted so badly to return to the person you once were. You cared so much for the people around you, even though you knew them not.

You treated me kindly, because that's what you thought you were suppose to do. You tolerated my obnoxious friends and suspicious family. Ignorantly, I allowed this to go on for several months. You moved in and we spoke of marriage. I told myself I loved you, too, but my definition of the word was skewed.

You were disappointed with the fact that you could not fulfill this position that was once "so courageous." You aged, and time stole from you the motivation to learn of life anew. I told you how fantastic you were, and supported you, even though I was supporting a lie.

You never existed. Never a person like you did. The truth is, I was just the selfish friend who happened to be in love with you. You had never spoken to many people about me before, which made it so easy to get away with it for so long.

That is until you decided you were a failure. You became depressed, and started drinking. You gave up the image of the person you were once before, and I began to slip through your fingers.

I should have come forward sooner. Should have told you the truth, but I was afraid you'd leave me. I couldn't bare to be alone again, being the one who just watched the game from the sidelines. I couldn't let you go, but my tight hold suffocated you.

I found you lying on the bathroom floor. I had to shove the door open, which is what that big bruise is on your leg. When you wake up, if you wake up, I won't be here. If your mind returns to its previous state, before your first accident, then I hope you have no recollection of this whole ordeal. If you do remember, you know where to find me. If you become the failure you thought you were before, know that you never failed. I just set too high of expectations for you to fulfill. You won long ago, I just never told you so.

But if you are to awaken to a once again blank memory, take the power that that restores. But be mindful, I had that power.

And that's the whole reason why we're back here again.